Heuco Mundo Holidays
by Le Queen of Morons
Summary: A collection of drabblesque dealies following the holidays as celebrated in Heuco Mundo. Quite cracky, but hopefully full of amusement!
1. St Patty's Day

Chiruchi Thunderwitch had never particularly understood any of Lord Aizen's obsessions. In fact, the more arcane ones positively mystified her.

Human holidays, for example.

The Living celebrated the strangest things, and their Lord delighted in subjecting his underlings to the cockamamie festivals.

That's why the former Espada found herself sitting at the temporary, though somehow already filthy bar, sporting a ridiculous green bowler hat tilted akwardly on one of her curled pigtails, and nursing a dark, thick beer. Her second, in fact.

The mostly masked barkeep had called it a 'Guinness', and it was supposedly what people were supposed to drink on 'St Patrick's Day'.

Well, whatever Lord Aizen wanted. Who was she to argue?

Not all under the Great Lord were quite as apathetic about this whole holiday thing as the dark haired woman, however.

Luppi seemed to enjoy them immensely. Bleary purple eyes turned to regard the effeminate numero enthusiastically bantering with the arrancar at the bar.

Now, she didn't exactly have the highest of alcohol tolerances, especially considering the scarcity of the stuff in Hueco Mundo, but her superior seemed to have even less.

His body was smaller than hers, after all. Plus, he had already been there when she'd arrived, so she had no idea just how many of these.._Guinness_es he'd had.

Or…wait. Maybe Luppi was actually female. It was so hard to tell, especially to the puffy shouldered woman.

She was just inebriated enough to blurt, "Oi, Luppi!"

Its head turned, and blue eyes just as blurred as hers attempted to focus. "Yes?" The word was drawn out; the slow smile flirty.

"Tell me something," she leaned towards him (her?) "Are you a man? Or are you a woman?"

The androgynous being blinked in reply and sized her up before that slow smile again spread. "Why not follow me and find out?"

Luppi stood unsteadily and lead his weaving way out of the bar. Thunderwitch left the half finished liter on the spattered counter.

* * *

When Hueco Mundo's approximation of morning dawned, Chiruchi found herself sprawled over her bed, blankets tangled with her legs, and hair hopelessly tangled. One of her pigtails had come loose, so curled tendrils of black draped themselves over the right side of her face, while the other tail pressed uncomfortably into her skull. The ends tangled in the spiked remains of her mask. Pain shot into her temples like ice-picks boring their way into her brain.

Annoyed, she winced and pulled the blankets over her head.

Luppi had been most definitely male. And most definitely drunk. He was also surprisingly aggressive and quite creative. And, from the soreness of her body, very much on the kinky side.

"Oh god. I am _never_ drinking _again_," she moaned.

At least he was gone. She didn't think she could handle the case of Coyote Ugly if he had still been next to her. The overall aftermath of the events recently past was more than enough to convince the hungover woman that anyone who did this on a regular basis were out of their everloving _minds_.

Humans are strange for indulging in that horrible drink. Luppi was stranger for relishing it. Aizen was strangest for encouraging it.

The ex-numero sank deeper into the bed – absolutely mortified at the events of the night before.

Something smooth and warm brushed against the bare skin of her leg.

Violet eyes snapped open and with a shrill scream, she leapt out of the bed.

After a few moments of desperately gripping the sleeping shift she had slept in, panting for terrified breath and staring at the bed, fully expecting one of the tentacles from last night to come slithering out of the bed, she drew the covers back with a badly shaking hand.

Cushioned snuggly within the blankets was an egg, slightly smaller than an ostrich's would be, and bone white.

Her jaw nearly hit the floor.

She'd laid an egg? She could _lay_ eggs?! WHAT?!

"Oh, _crap_," she swore with feeling, and wondered just _what_ she was going to _do_ about this.

* * *

**The first installment of a seriese of fics inspired by Dwellin on Deviant Art. Oh yes, there was crack in this. Oh yes, there will be _more_ crack to come! Stay tuned for Easter!**

**Happy St Pat's Day, all!**

**Hehe...and yeah, I'll be going by American holidays, since that's where I live...plus, it adds a whole 'nother dimention to Aizen's weirdness.  
**


	2. Easter

Contrary to appearances, there were indeed children in Hueco Mundo.

True, there weren't very many, and what few who did survive were slightly twisted, but they were still children.

"Ooowahhh…" cooed a particularly charming blonde specimen sporting a triangular bone piece upon his crown.

More often than not, Wonderweiss Magera spent his time wandering around Los Noches. Each nook and cranny got his fuzzy attention. Anything that happened to be living and conscious enough to process emotion got a raging case of the heebie-jeebies from the soft stare and innocent threat within it.

Wonderweiss honestly didn't notice. The looks were returned in the form of blank stares before the young arrancar wandered off, or grew fixated upon something shiny.

At the moment, he was wandering through the massive furnaces working away deep within the underbelly of the castle. This was not like his other trips to the warm, dark subbasement at all.

No, this time, he found himself a prize!

Awed, small hands pulled the blanket back from the bundle tucked into an out of the way corner. An egg was swaddled cozily in the blankets, for all the world like an infant would be. The ovoid sphere was as big as a basketball and the warm shell under his soft hands was leathery and pulsed gently with power.

"Ahhhh," he murmured to it as he lifted it from its too-small cocoon.

"Whatcha got there?" An easy-going voice inquired from behind him.

Skinny arms clutched his new 'baby' closely to his thin chest possessively. The boy-arrancar looked over his shoulder and fixed the silver-haired man with a wide eyed stare.

Gin only grinned as he strode over and bent at the waist to examine the bundle his arms. "Is that an egg?"

"…aaaaaahh…"

"I see," the creepy man tilted his head. "Ya know what humans do wit' eggs t'day?"

Wonderweiss stared blankly, but crooned, "Ooohh…?"

Squinted eyes met the blank gaze, and the cap of silver hair shifted gently when Ichimaru tilted his head. "They paint 'em."

The grinning man was granted with another vacant stare.

"C'mon, let's find some paints." Gin turned and strode easily from the furnace room.

The childlike arrancar trailed behind, clutching the leather egg to his chest the whole way.

After a trip to Szayel's palace and a quick rifle through of drawers, they two alighted from the chamber with three jars of glowing paints, a brush, and a disturbing amount of Peeps.

It would appear that the pink haired Espada had an unhealthy obsession with the sugary treats. Gin wished he could see the scientist's face when he returned to his computer room only to find the sweet little birds stuck to monitors and keys in patterns of smiley faces and lopsided hearts.

"Mmnggg," Wonderweiss attempted to utter around a mouthful of sugary goodness.

"Yeah, who knew?" Gin bit the head off of a blue peep and contemplated upon how to gain access to Tousen's hair care products. The blind man could use a little more color to his look, and a couple of brightly dyed purple candies dropped in the shampoo would do the trick. Best part of the whole thing would be that the somber man wouldn't have a clue of what happened until someone told him.

They drifted to a stop on a stairwell leading up to quarters for ex-numeros, and sat on the steps like a couple of school kids.

"Now, lessee that egg." A long fingered hand was extended, only to be yanked back when the Wonderweiss's gaping mouth made an advance on it. "Err…how 'bout you do tha paintin', then?"

That seemed acceptable to the boy, who cradled the egg in both hands and gazed at it.

Gin uncapped the paints, which picked up a brighter glow as soon as air hit their surfaces, and set them before the boy. The paintbrush was taken from his hand, and the child stared as the brightly colored liquid saturated the bristles in pearlescent luminescence.

With concentration granted only to children set at a task, the brush swept over the leathery white surface. Lopsided, pulsating patterns soon covered the smooth surface. As the paint dried, the glow also faded, and the leathery shell toughened slightly. Once the entire surface was coated with dried paint, Wonderweiss held up his masterpiece to show Gin. Any other child would beam with pride at the colorful mess of an egg, but the blonde boy only stared at his elder with wide eyes, and a slow curving of his lips. "Aaahh…?"

"Very good!" The already broad grin expanded into a smile as he recapped the half-empty jars and shoved them against the wall for Granz to find later. "Now, y'know what ya do wit' it?"

"Oohh…?" The colorful egg was drawn back towards the thin chest again.

Fluidly, Ichimaru rose to his feet and watched the boy expectantly "We _hide_ it, an' make Grimmjow find it!"

"Ahh…" Slowly Wonderweiss stood, cradling the ovoid in his arms.

"I know _just_ tha place." If there were more light in the place, his pearly whites would have glinted.

The former Captain of the Third ascended the stairs, Wonderweiss trailing behind him by a few steps.

* * *

**Happy Easter to those who celebrated it! Happy Sunday to those who don't!**

**Every time I see "Los Noches" I crave nachos. And Menos Grande remind me of nachos grande. Mexican food for Easter it is! :D**

**... *snorts* ...I uploaded this file in the morning, and _completely_ forgot to update the actual story. *facepalms* I think sweet lil' Wondy rubbed off on me.  
**


	3. July Fourth

Tiki torches flickered in the artificial daylight of Las Noches and a human grill sat amongst a sea of green sand. Pale pieces of lesser hollow smoked away on the primitive device's surface.

Szayel poked at a vaguely claw shaped piece with his tongs. He was bored out of his beautifully brilliant mind.

Only Lord Aizen would have been able to convince him to take grill duty. Only Lord Aizen would have been able to persuade him into dyeing the sand under their feet a deep green in a poor simulation of grass.

Lord Aizen had nothing to do with the gaudy pink "Kiss the Chef" apron Granz wore, however – that was Ulquiorra's idea. The pink-haired Espada found the color close enough to his hair to agree to wearing it.

The purple ruffle lining it wasn't a bad thing at all either.

Of course, he couldn't shake the feeling the Quarto Numero was laughing at him behind that constantly depressed appearance of his.

No matter – he knew he looked good.

Granted, that didn't change the fact he would really rather be doing something else, but at least he felt pretty while being bored out of his mind.

A large, spoon-shaped shadow cut the false sunlight from falling on the grudging Espada at the grill.

Oh good, another spice to add to the irritation stew.

Sadly, the approaching Espada was far from a flavor he'd favor.

Nnoitora was one of the taller Numeros under Aizen's command, and one of the most irritating. Needless to say, Szayel was not fond of the Spoon – not in the least. Granted, he held no affection for any of his cohorts, but the one-eyed arrancar was in the bottom tier when it came to the hierarchy of dislike.

The pink-haired scientist grabbed a particularly scrawny charred claw with his tongs and offered it to the toothily grinning idiot. "BBQ?" He offered pleasantly enough.

Tall, dark and one-eyed cringed. "Naw. I don't trust yer 'mystery sauce'." Hastily, the 5th Espada lifted up the pulsing sphere he was holding in one angular hand. "Cook this thing up. An' no experiments."

A pastel brow lofted behind bone-rimmed glasses, "And just where did you get that?"

"Nowhere," the spoon growled.

He hadn't been rifling through Grimmjow's room – not at all. Was it his fault that the cat had such good taste in nip?

The scientist rolled his eyes and held up a long fingered hand for the pulsing ovoid. "Fine, give it here."

As the egg was changing possession, however, a sudden BANG of a firework startled the oversized utensil into dropping it before it safely transitioned to the effeminate grill master. As soon as it impacted upon the sand, the leather hide tore with a muffled ripping sound.

Out squirmed a featherless little bird. For a few minutes, it blinked at them through the partially formed mask of bone over one beady little eye.

They blinked back.

"Nnoitora, you sonova…" A growled voice broke the spell when an irritated, feline fighter approached. Anger faded to confusion and stopped dead in his tracks.

All three looked up at Grimmjow with varying degrees of startlement.

After an awkward pause, the blue haired man blurted, "…what the hell is that?"

"The spoon's dinner," Szayel answered cheerfully, then stepped back when the newly born hollow gave a screech more fitting from a veloceraptor and lunged its sharp little beak into Nnoriota's ankle.

The big man lent down to catch the pale little bird, but jerked his hand back when he found it impaled by the talons of the cute, scaly little feet.

"Idiot," the blue-haired Espada scoffed and lunged at the bird himself.

The little one didn't seem particularly intimidated. In fact, it gave him a withering look as it slipped away right between his palms.

Off he went after the awkwardly running little thing. Around Ulquiorra they dodged, past the jabbering Aaroniero they chased, and out of sight behind a boulder they disappeared.

Stunned silence fell before a distinctly feline yowl sounded and Grimmjow bolted from behind the rock – a bloody-beaked little arrancar at his heals.

Off into the distance did they go.

"Yare, yare," Gin's tenor sounded from a startled Szayel's side. "It looks as if those paints did the trick, hm?"

Szayel slid a superior glance at the silver haired shinigami. "You expected anything else?"

The ex-shinigami only grinned and held out his plate for a serving of blackened hollow.

* * *

**Aw, such a cute little freakish thing. Happy 4th to those who celebrate! Happy Sunday to everyone else! ;) This really isn't as long as I'd prefer, or have quite as much detail, but writing/editting time has been woefully inadequate as of late. Lots of company, family stuff, work, health woes, etc...we all know how that is.  
**

**So, does anyone know of any holidays I can make fun of between now and October?**

**In any case - I hope you've all enjoyed this latest installment!  
**


	4. Thanksgiving

For the second time in as many months, Grimmjow found himself wandering the deserts of Hueco Mundo. It had been about a month ago that Lord Aizen had sent him, Starrk and Yami out with Lilinette and Wonderweiss to 'Trick or Treat'. Aizen had dressed the two childlike arrancar up as humans, something called a Lunch Lady and an Accountant respectively, handed them pumpkin shaped baskets and sent the five out of Las Noches for the night.

They had spent most of their time trying to get Wonderweiss to stop staring at trees and Yami to quit jabbering about whatever tricks he could think up long enough to hunt for whatever treats they were supposed to find. Really, there was only one trick the dimwitted giant could think of – hiding around a corner and punching the next person to come by out. Starrk had just yawned and ignored it all.

Grimmjow had been ready to decapitate each and every one of them by the time morning rolled around.

Now, almost a month later, he was once again shoved out of the palace – this time armed with an absurdly large battle-axe which was painted in red and white, and accompanied by Ulquiorra, who sported a brown pilgrim's hat with a buckle on the front. Of course, the hat didn't fit particularly well, due to his mask-fragments, so it was tilted sharply to the side to accommodate.

Grimmjow just couldn't look at his companion. Every time he did, he burst out laughing, and couldn't stop until the deadpanned numero hit him upside the head hard enough to draw blood.

"Odd," the Pilgrim Arrancar commented flatly, "I would have thought Lord Aizen would prefer we fetch the bird from a store, as I believe the Living do."

Grimmjow snorted and kept his gaze pointedly _away_ from his current companion. Casually, he rested the ridiculous weapon against his shoulder. "Yeah, well, he ordered us t' go out an' hunt one down fer some reason. Shut up and keep yer eyes peeled for the bird."

There had been reports of a large, turkey-like hollow wandering the vicinity of Las Noches over the past few months. Apparently, it had been growing steadily in power. Considering the season, Aizen had decided that it would be an ideal dinner for his Numero.

"Real good eatin'," he'd mock-drawled.

Whatever. At least he wasn't sitting around listening to Wonderweiss's 'ooo'ing, or dodging Gin's attempts to scratch him behind the ears.

As one, the two lifted their heads when a strange, warbled sound drifted over the still, oddly luminous sands. The monochrome world gave no hint of the direction in which the sound originated – its vibration only echoed through the stagnant air, bouncing unnervingly off of the dead scenery and twig-like, crystalline trees.

Out of the corner of his eye, the feline-arrancar caught a subtle movement. As soon as it registered, powerful muscles bunched and let loose their power – his sleek figure streaking over the pale landscape towards the brown figure in the distance.

Tufts of fine earthen grit kicked up behind him each time a foot touched down. Within moments, he skidded to a halt in front of the bird and spied Ulquiorra coming to a dead stop behind it.

"Ok, bird, yer comin' t' dinner," he sneered with a grin. Aqua eyes narrowed in vague recognition of the flightless avian.

_No_ way. It _couldn't_ be.

Ulquiorra simply shook his head and adjusted his rakishly angled hat as the thing gobbled threateningly at Grimmjow.

The vocalization's vibration made grains of sand dance between the three, just before the bird lunged at the axe-wielding arrancar with its beak. While the initial blow was blocked, the bird wasn't done yet. A taloned foot knocked the weapon from the feline's hands. Before Grimmjow could do more than snarl in frustration, the bird had somehow managed to grow fingers hidden in the brown and white array of feathers decorating the otherwise useless wings and hefted the axe.

"Aw, _crap_." Grimmjow suddenly recognized the bird. It was the same damn one from that idiotic summer festival Aizen had dictated they attend.

What the hell did the stupid thing have against him?

He was prevented from uttering anything further when the turkey hurled its bulky mass at him. The blow from the axe against his sword drove him back several feet. The swings only kept coming, and before he quite realized why, Grimmjow found himself sprinting along the dunes – away from the arrancar-cidal bird.

Ulquiorra watched calmly as the Grimmjow tore through the sands and disappeared over a gently rolling bank. He knew the fool would be fine without his interference. Silently, he slid his hands into his pockets as Tousen silently followed the chase from a distance with a bulky video camera carried within his steady grip.

While he could not quite figure out why their Lord had commanded such a thing, he knew it was not his place to question the wisdom in their superior's orders.

Of course, the emotionless arrancar said nothing to let the ex-shinigami know that the lens cap was still on. He was no expert in such things, but it seemed to be common sense that the lens should be bare. Ulquiorra would have been more concerned had he not noted Gin filming both the blind man and the madcap chase with a much smaller, more streamlined version of what Tousen carried.

Perfect, pitch hair shifted subtly as he shook his head, then turned on his heel to leave this latest bout of insanity behind.

Someone had to find dinner, after all. Ulquiorra was sure he'd be able to find a turkey-shaped sushi boat _somewhere_. He doubted Aizen had actually ever had turkey to begin with.

How would he know the difference?

**And finally - Thanksgiving! XD I know...I skipped right over Halloween, but I was so busy that I couldn't scrape enough time or inspiration together to put one together for that.**

**Inspired by the pic "Birdzilla Thanksgiving" by Dwellin on DeviantArt. She really is a rockstar. A rockstar muse, even!**


End file.
